2-23-06

I know many of you will probably argue this point all day with co-workers, family and dogs, but I am not the most technical person in the world.

Yes, I know how to use a computer and other electrical appliances, such as a can opener. Do I know how they work? Not really.

I have learned after extensive testing that having it plugged in and turning the on/off button to ON helps immensely.

Yes, I have established several web sites and do very well with a camera that has more bells and whistles than is necessary.

But there are a lot of things I don’t understand. For instance, why can we use cell phones in most of the civilized world other than south of Heavener, but not have internet service through a satellite?Also, on rental DVD’s, how can they be scratched up and stick after they’ve only been rented once or twice?

This all leads up to the point of this blogature here (yes, it does have a point…sort of). Thus, I was so proud of myself a couple of weeks ago. On my cellphone, I figured out how to do the voice deal!

Now, instead of going to the trouble of actually hitting a button or calling the number for several of my frequent calls, I just open that sucker up and say something like “Sonic” and I am connected to food at the speed of sound!

(A disclaimer! I do not have Sonic’s phone number memorized on the call deal or speed dial on my phone. That was one of those just for instance deals)

That is, if I wait for the computer lady to give me her “Please say the name” crap. I was so proud of this that I went around to everybody at work and bragged about it. Their reaction was mixed. They didn’t want to come out and say the truth that I was acting like a dork (since I am technically their boss), but it was a bigger deal for me than them.

The only other time I have gotten so much enjoyment out of my cell phone was when the oldest son got the theme from Monday Night Football to be my ringer.

Yep, I was all excited about that until I found out that it cost money.

Anyway, I am ready for some more technical advancements as far as this voice recognition goes. I want to be able to say “turn on” and have the television come on. Then be able to say ESPN or Channel 21 (since that’s where my favorite channel is found on our rather sad Cable system) and I’ll get to watch enthralling shows like Spelling Bee’s (like that crap is a sport) and The World’s Strongest Man.

Usually, even I have something better to do than that, but I do like to watch the fat dudes see how many kegs of beer they can haul around. My limit was always just as many as needed for the party that night back in my younger days.

I also want to be able to actually talk to the people on television (something I have been doing for a long time without much success as in “How stupid are you!” and “the Texas ------- fumbled, you idiots!”) and have them listen.

Say some show is getting boring, I’ll give them my personal two-minute warning. “This really sucks,” I would say. “Better get this thing going or I’m out of here.”

Or if Dick Vitale is jabbering on and on about some high school kid who will probably wind up with two gold front teeth and flipping burgers at McDonald’s, I can simply say, “You Dick (but make it sound like ‘Yo Dick’ instead”), would you please shut up! You’re giving me a headache again!”

But I don’t think we should stop there. I think we need voice activated spouses that actually work. Yeah, we have voice activated spouses already, but the only time they work for some of us is when they need something in return.

I want to be able to say “Woman, get me a cup of coffee!” when I’m sacked out on the recliner and she is doing something like laundry or vacuuming and not get chased out of the house.

Or wait until she is really glued to one of those silly Lifetime shows and give her the old “Feed me!” line and actually get a positive response.

Yeah, that would be nice and will probably happen about the time monkeys can fly out of a person’s anal orifice.