2-13-06

Good morning, or afternoon. Or evening, depending on when you read this.

That is assuming you read this. If you don’t happen to read this blog, I take back that greeting.

Cool?

I know this will be hard for you to believe, but my time has come.

At a hastily called news conference scheduled for this afternoon, I will announce my retirement.

I just don’t have the same zeal that once was there. I know this will hurt many people, especially my children since they won’t get the chance to beat me any more.

But I have always been the type of person who if I can’t give it my all, it’s time to do something else.

So my long career as a video game player is over. Finished. Kaput. Experts expected me to continue on until arthritis forced my retirement.

But I can’t wait that long. I haven’t played a game in a month, or so. What pushed me to this point? Was it the disappointment that Tiger Woods 2006 really stunk?

I don’t know, to tell the truth.

I don’t even get the same thrill out of shooting nasty Germans in the head in Medal of Honor: European Assault.

This will hurt my kids most of all, since they will not be able to beat me in anything we play (aside from NCAA football, where I reign!). Nope, they won’t get to laugh at me for continually running into the wall in the NASCAR or other racing games or kill me numerous times in shooting games.

But my time has come and gone. (Notice, I do reserve the right to change my mind!)

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I have gotten the following email several times over the years. Just in case there might be somebody out there who actually hasn’t seen this, I would like to share it. Here goes: We always hear "the rules" from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

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Remember, I am not the author of this message so don’t shoot the messenger. I just wanted to help clear up a few things for the women out there.

There are a few things I could add to this but realize that would probably be pushing my luck.