3-1-06

After reading a blog last week concerning the average customer at Wal-Mart, a friend of mine suggested that I should write greeting cards.

I thought that was a pretty good idea, especially after she added that I could probably make a lot of money from doing this.

Hello! Money? Me. I’m in. But sadly, I haven’t done anything with it yet and as I mentioned in an earlier blog this week, my memory isn’t all that great.

I happened to run across a birthday card that my wife bought for a nephew. It has a cute drawing of a really ugly dog with an enormous nose. We’re almost talking Alf proportions.

The title says (I’m not making this up!) “For a special nephew” Ugh, excuse me while I fight back the dry heaves.

But wait, we’re not through. The inside says, and I quote, “Wishing you, Dear Nephew, an extra special day. Hope it starts out perfectly and ends up in the same way! Happy Birthday!”

People get paid for writing this crap? Oh, I forgot on the back it adds “Just for You!”

How special! Now if I was a 14-year old kid (or a 42-year old guy), that is a card I would probably toss. My wife likes sappy cards.

I tend to favor the ones that are a little silly. Naturally, I have evolved from the bathroom humor card to the “My darling wife” cards since that seems to make her happier than say the one with the bellybutton lint.

I don’t like buying greeting cards. They are too dangerous. A couple of years ago, I ran across a really sappy card that I just knew the wife would love.

Yep, she liked it. In fact, she liked it when I bought her the same card the year before. She got a strange look on her face and then slowly turned to glare at me.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, since I was curious.

“This is the same card you got me last year.”

I made her prove this. She did.

So in an effort to get filthy rich and change the greeting card business as we know it, I have decided to write an alternative birthday card. This can go to anybody, not my nephew. Cool?

They say it’s your birthday! (daa, daa, duh, duh)

Oops, that’s a song. Let’s try again.

Happy birthday to you,
I hope you score a few.
We pray you get a job
So you won’t have to rob.

I see that your zits
are starting to leave pits.
You better take the meds
before we hear from the feds.

So I wish you a happy birthday
although I can’t think of any way
that I will eat that nasty cake
when it looks like something I’d make.

Please don’t wind up in jail
or your next card will come in the mail.
Also, don’t drink any more stinking beer
for your kidneys’ sake, I fear!

Hey, how was that? My first greeting card. I would like to point out that I have never had any special training from the gift card writing institute (don’t settle for any career! Should be their slogan, not that I know this place even exists).

Now if you were to receive a card of this nature, wouldn’t you remember it more than one of those generic pieces of crud you find in the store? Hopefully you might still want to talk to whoever gave you the card.