My marriage guide
As promised in yesterday's fine bonus blog, I am going to publish the official Craigman's Marriage Guide.
You will obviously be overwhelmed by the great information to follow and grateful, so you can send me a check for $5.95.
There, we got the business stuff out of the way. Without much further stalling, here it goes:
THE OFFICIAL CRAIGMAN'S MARRIAGE GUIDE
As a veteran of marriage (seven years and counting!), I feel qualified to write this guide for everybody. Don't want to leave out anybody who might actually be capable of paying, you know.
This is for those of you who might get married sometime, are in the process of getting married, the poor rookies out there and other veterans.
My wife is a beautiful, wonderful person. So none of the negative stuff is about her. This information is based on heresay and reading. Please pause for a brief disclaimer: THIS INFORMATION IS NOT BASED ON ANY SCIENTIFIC STUDY BY DOCTORS OR DRUNKEN BUMS ON THE STREET! IF YOU DO NOT AGREE WITH IT, TOUGH. WRITE YOUR OWN MARRIAGE GUIDE FOR ALL I CARE!
Okay, here it goes. Marriage is something everybody dreams about at times. Some are good dreams, others are nightmares. Just like marriages.
It is funny (not as in ha-ha, more like strange) how people change once they get a ring on. That sweet and thoughtful person you dated for so long will not be the same after the ring is placed on the finger and there is a brief adjustment period.
I have noticed this is more common in the female species. The guys aren't that much different. They just refuse to watch Lifetime any more. Prior to marriage, women are able to conceal mood swings in such a way they should win Oscars for best actress.
There will also be another new ingredient added to your relationship. It is called arguing. While everything might be lovey-dovey prior to marriage, don't expect that to continue. Guys, just try and buy that new x-Box 360 when honey wants some new shoes!
The furr will fly. I have not had any of these problems, of course, just going by what people have told me. At times, you will feel like members of the spouse's family have moved in. A bit of helpful advice here: Never ask a spouse when their *(^%ing mother is going to leave.
Spouses are protective of their parents, especially mothers.
This is for the dudes. If you want to know what your wife is going to look like in 20 years or so, look at the mother. Also, listen to the mother. It's heriditary, by gosh. After getting married, you must put your honesty in check and study every response to questions tossed at you.
If the wife asks if her butt looks too big, bite that lip! I don't care if that thing looks like a rhino's behind, don't admit it! Say something along the lines of "Compared to what?"
Aw, a little humor. Of course, you don't say that! You say, "of course not". If you are about to go out and actually try to have some fun and the little lady asks if you like what she has on, simply nod. Again, I don't care if it's something you feel like should be given to the Salvation Army and you're embarrassed to actually be seen with somebody wearing it, go along with it.
Otherwise you have to wait another thirty minutes for her to try on six different outfits.
Now, it's time for some helpful advice to the women out there to help your marriage flourish!
First off, don't expect your husband to kiss and hug after marriage. That's against the law, just like it is for him to watch chick flicks.
Second, give the guy some freedom. If he wants to go golf every day after work and on the weekends, allow it! It is important for a male to do as he pleases. This will, of course, increase his earning powers at work.
Third, if there is a male in the room, the remote should be in his hands. This is not negotiable. A male cannot stand being in a room and a female controlling the remote. The scientists call this "remote envy". Just like a guy never thinks anybody else can time the channel switches during commercials as well as he can.
Fourth, don't expect a guy to do diapers. Especially the early-day diapers when the stuff is green and looks like Jell-o. Women have babies. They are expected to change nasty stuff. Guys should never be expected to view such disgusting things.
Okay, enough with the chicks for a while. Here's some advice for the guys to make for a better marriage.
Numero uno: Sometimes you must compromise. I know, this is against the male code, but it is a necessary survival tool. I feel all males should take a negotiating class as it comes natural for females. Otherwise, you might get trapped for a day at the mall when you would rather be out fishing.
Numero two-oh: Nagging is a natural part of being a woman. For guys, it is considered "whining". Nagging is something women are very good at doing. I do not know if this is true, but I believe all women are taught this in some secret academy girls attend at an early age to learn how to deal with men.
Numero treyo: The phone is your friend! The more your wife stays on the phone, the more freedom you have to play video games and goof off! Encourage this behavior in your female partner. Yeah, it will probably cost some bucks, but it is still worth it! Plus, it will actually improve her mood until she finds that dirty pair of drawers you left in the middle of the bathroom floor.
Numero fourish: Women have different sleeping habits than guys. Utilize this! If they like to stay up late and sleep in, do the opposite. That will give you free time! This is valued more than the finest filet mignon for married guys.
A cell phone can be bad! I believe women secretly invented this to better keep up with their husbands, not just to talk to their mother.
Also, both male and female need to understand the so-called "time factor". For a female, it is much shorter. If she thinks her mate is one minute late, he is drilled with such fun questions as: "What took so long?" "Where did you go?" Who did you talk to?" and many more!
For the guys, it is not so important. They could have an important discussion about the birdie their friend got on the difficult sixth hole yesterday. Plus, if their wife is a little late, it's not that big of a deal. That just means more time to try and conquer that difficult video game that has been kicking your butt.
I, for one, feel that the males have been wronged in many ways. One way in particular is to have that dude writing the "Men are from Mars, Women from Venus" or whatever books. Have you ever seen this guy?
Heck, if his wife came after him with a remote, he'd probably want to hug and apologize for whatever set the woman off, even if it is her fault. Yes, the men and women are different. He has this right. At some time, many females will want their spouses to read this crap.
That just isn't right.
That is all I can do for right now. If I can come up with some other stuff, I'll add it in a sequel blog!
You will obviously be overwhelmed by the great information to follow and grateful, so you can send me a check for $5.95.
There, we got the business stuff out of the way. Without much further stalling, here it goes:
THE OFFICIAL CRAIGMAN'S MARRIAGE GUIDE
As a veteran of marriage (seven years and counting!), I feel qualified to write this guide for everybody. Don't want to leave out anybody who might actually be capable of paying, you know.
This is for those of you who might get married sometime, are in the process of getting married, the poor rookies out there and other veterans.
My wife is a beautiful, wonderful person. So none of the negative stuff is about her. This information is based on heresay and reading. Please pause for a brief disclaimer: THIS INFORMATION IS NOT BASED ON ANY SCIENTIFIC STUDY BY DOCTORS OR DRUNKEN BUMS ON THE STREET! IF YOU DO NOT AGREE WITH IT, TOUGH. WRITE YOUR OWN MARRIAGE GUIDE FOR ALL I CARE!
Okay, here it goes. Marriage is something everybody dreams about at times. Some are good dreams, others are nightmares. Just like marriages.
It is funny (not as in ha-ha, more like strange) how people change once they get a ring on. That sweet and thoughtful person you dated for so long will not be the same after the ring is placed on the finger and there is a brief adjustment period.
I have noticed this is more common in the female species. The guys aren't that much different. They just refuse to watch Lifetime any more. Prior to marriage, women are able to conceal mood swings in such a way they should win Oscars for best actress.
There will also be another new ingredient added to your relationship. It is called arguing. While everything might be lovey-dovey prior to marriage, don't expect that to continue. Guys, just try and buy that new x-Box 360 when honey wants some new shoes!
The furr will fly. I have not had any of these problems, of course, just going by what people have told me. At times, you will feel like members of the spouse's family have moved in. A bit of helpful advice here: Never ask a spouse when their *(^%ing mother is going to leave.
Spouses are protective of their parents, especially mothers.
This is for the dudes. If you want to know what your wife is going to look like in 20 years or so, look at the mother. Also, listen to the mother. It's heriditary, by gosh. After getting married, you must put your honesty in check and study every response to questions tossed at you.
If the wife asks if her butt looks too big, bite that lip! I don't care if that thing looks like a rhino's behind, don't admit it! Say something along the lines of "Compared to what?"
Aw, a little humor. Of course, you don't say that! You say, "of course not". If you are about to go out and actually try to have some fun and the little lady asks if you like what she has on, simply nod. Again, I don't care if it's something you feel like should be given to the Salvation Army and you're embarrassed to actually be seen with somebody wearing it, go along with it.
Otherwise you have to wait another thirty minutes for her to try on six different outfits.
Now, it's time for some helpful advice to the women out there to help your marriage flourish!
First off, don't expect your husband to kiss and hug after marriage. That's against the law, just like it is for him to watch chick flicks.
Second, give the guy some freedom. If he wants to go golf every day after work and on the weekends, allow it! It is important for a male to do as he pleases. This will, of course, increase his earning powers at work.
Third, if there is a male in the room, the remote should be in his hands. This is not negotiable. A male cannot stand being in a room and a female controlling the remote. The scientists call this "remote envy". Just like a guy never thinks anybody else can time the channel switches during commercials as well as he can.
Fourth, don't expect a guy to do diapers. Especially the early-day diapers when the stuff is green and looks like Jell-o. Women have babies. They are expected to change nasty stuff. Guys should never be expected to view such disgusting things.
Okay, enough with the chicks for a while. Here's some advice for the guys to make for a better marriage.
Numero uno: Sometimes you must compromise. I know, this is against the male code, but it is a necessary survival tool. I feel all males should take a negotiating class as it comes natural for females. Otherwise, you might get trapped for a day at the mall when you would rather be out fishing.
Numero two-oh: Nagging is a natural part of being a woman. For guys, it is considered "whining". Nagging is something women are very good at doing. I do not know if this is true, but I believe all women are taught this in some secret academy girls attend at an early age to learn how to deal with men.
Numero treyo: The phone is your friend! The more your wife stays on the phone, the more freedom you have to play video games and goof off! Encourage this behavior in your female partner. Yeah, it will probably cost some bucks, but it is still worth it! Plus, it will actually improve her mood until she finds that dirty pair of drawers you left in the middle of the bathroom floor.
Numero fourish: Women have different sleeping habits than guys. Utilize this! If they like to stay up late and sleep in, do the opposite. That will give you free time! This is valued more than the finest filet mignon for married guys.
A cell phone can be bad! I believe women secretly invented this to better keep up with their husbands, not just to talk to their mother.
Also, both male and female need to understand the so-called "time factor". For a female, it is much shorter. If she thinks her mate is one minute late, he is drilled with such fun questions as: "What took so long?" "Where did you go?" Who did you talk to?" and many more!
For the guys, it is not so important. They could have an important discussion about the birdie their friend got on the difficult sixth hole yesterday. Plus, if their wife is a little late, it's not that big of a deal. That just means more time to try and conquer that difficult video game that has been kicking your butt.
I, for one, feel that the males have been wronged in many ways. One way in particular is to have that dude writing the "Men are from Mars, Women from Venus" or whatever books. Have you ever seen this guy?
Heck, if his wife came after him with a remote, he'd probably want to hug and apologize for whatever set the woman off, even if it is her fault. Yes, the men and women are different. He has this right. At some time, many females will want their spouses to read this crap.
That just isn't right.
That is all I can do for right now. If I can come up with some other stuff, I'll add it in a sequel blog!
posted by Craig Hall at
6:32 AM
3 Comments:
Well, kid, possibly if you sold this fine guide to graduating seniors from high school, or say maybe a college or university, you might make some money. I hate to be the one to tell you that for many, 7 years is an apprenticeship. However, you have glommed on to some pure nuggets that accompany the marital vows - such as remote envy. Most women are thrilled for this apparatus to be in the hands of the hubby. This is a very good reason to absent one's self from the entire vicinity or worst case, daydream about the ways the hubby can be made to seen the errors of his little ways. Unfortunately, given the shortness of your training, or perhaps a wife from a different decade, you do have the wrong approach on cell phones. At the right age, a cell phone given lovingly to the wife will allow her to utilize many hours of calling and staying in touch with her friends - particularly if at a distance. Heck, miles on a dreary interstate fly by while the wife drones away to out of state friends. Other than I view it as sad that there are so many other lessons in store for the Craigman, I think this first little primer shows definite promise for the truly, truly uneducated, such as that first book - See Spot run. See Dick and Jane watch Spot run. You have a definite pearl there - just needs some breadth of exploration. But, hey, no one's perfect and not bad, not bad at all for the wise Craigman.
This loyal reader knows beyond a shadow of a doubt the old Craigster is a happily married man - I mean are there other kinds? However, I'm sorry he somehow bypassed that definite must know pearl - that yes, the wife's family is now your family also. Embrace lovingly and feign adoration when possible. Cagier and smarter men have been known to actually analytically view if the wife has children from a previous marriage, are her parents or any other near and dear relatives alive and if so, now close in distance and esteem. I do believe there is a saying over the ages that never changes, except for the truly way out persons is that..."a son is your son until he marries....your daughter is yours forever". This is another evolutionary and well known genetic fact. Sorry it came as a dash of cold water on the old Craigster's face, but I'm more than sure he's up to this task.
This blogger agrees whole-heartedly with blackgirl. I'm afraid the editor is in love with stereotypes. He is in dire need of help of all kinds.
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