9-16-05

The message was not easily understood. "You need to check your blog that you wrote yesterday.*

It was in regard to my blog on 9-14-05. I figured it was because of the topic as I had talked about laxatives, using the bathroom in strange places, etc.

I must have offended him. But then I read the blog and realized I had offended myself. In an area where I meant to say I'm just glad that I'm not a female and don't have to squat to wee-wee, I left out the not.

It made the sentence out that I was actually a female. Oops. Got that baby corrected rather quickly, I did.

Dang keyboard. It's obviously the keyboard and computer's fault. Maybe some gremlins inside the computer messing with me because I read things while typing and then reread the blog. I did not notice missing something that important, of course, or I would have changed that el pronto.

That isn't the most embarrassing moment of my middle-aged life. It's really hard to decide where and what I have done that is the most embarrassing.

One that always pops up is the first speech. It was in a speech class at Carl Albert State (then Junior) College. I decided to give a speech on the proper way to tie a knot on a fishing hook. Naturally, I chose my fanciest lure, a new one that had a set of three hooks at the front and the back.

I was not good at talking in front of people then. Now, I could care less. It can't get any worse than what happened that day. There were probably 15 people in class along with the teacher.

My bladder was about to bust I was so nervous. So I get up in front of the class and start talking and showing them how to make sure you tie the knot so no fish can get away. I tie the knot and then to display the greatness of my work, I pulled on the string and the lure popped free and dropped down to the ground.

Most classes had tile and that would not have been a problem. This one had carpet and once those little trebel hooks get into something, it's almost impossible to get them out of the fibers.

So I'm totally making an anal orifice of myself. I'm still trying to talk while leaning over trying to pull the hook free. This continued on for several minutes. I got desperate and started trying to yank the dang thing free. I suffered the first hook to the skin about that time.

That was followed by several others. I was sweating and panicking and bleeding like the proverbial stuck pig. After a little more time embarrassing myself, like I had not done enough before that, and said "I'll be back".

I went to the bathroom and stalled the massive flow of blood. Finally, I came back to the class. I stayed the rest of that day, then dropped it the following day.

But wait, that's not all! This one might even be worse. At least I can blame the following one on alchohol, that had nothing to do with the stuck lure.

We were over at a friend's house for his traditional New Year's Eve party. He always used to use a deep fryer and cook a turkey.

I was a little intoxicated that night. No, really. Yes, it was sad but true. I was probably weebling and wobbling on the front porch when I backed up, knocked the fryer over and spilling the gobbler and the oil all over the front porch.

Yep, I felt like a real doofus. But wait, there's more! I continued moving backwards in what seemed to be slow motion, tripped over the ledge and fell backwards to the ground. I nailed a perfect sommersault that would have made a gymnast proud and staggered to my feet.

I believe the host used the 10-second rule and placed the turkey back in the fryer and saved the day. I don't know how I kept from seriously burning myself or causing an explosion.

That was the end of that party.

It's almost the weekend!